In my previous blog, I wrote, "Being here is the most important thing; everything that happens is a bonus." The next morning, one of my readers asked, "How? How do you detach from your desires from a place of trust that whatever happens (or doesn't happen) is okay?"

The "how question" often comes up and is undoubtedly familiar. When you read or see something and think, "Oh, I would like to (be able to) do that too," your thoughts naturally turn to the steps needed to achieve it, and the first question that arises is, "Tell me how you do it!"

When it comes to a very practical skill, like preparing a delicious meal or building a shed in your backyard, there are very concrete steps you can follow and learn step by step. However, when it comes to personal development, there is often no recipe or clear-cut plan that takes you from A to B.

The how question does several things simultaneously; it is asked from the head (the how question is usually aimed at understanding how something can be achieved) and can lead to a passive attitude as you wait to receive the answer from someone else (outside of yourself).

From my own experience and what I observe with my coachees, I've become aware that the how-question can even be paralyzing. You get caught up in your own analysis ("paralysis by analysis"), or if you do get a concrete answer from the person you asked, the "not-invented-here syndrome” comes into play. In other words, what works for one person doesn't necessarily work for another.

Transformational Presence offers you two alternative questions instead of the how-question:

1.      Who are you being asked to become as the person who has achieved what you want to achieve? The Japanese have a beautiful word for this: "Kokoro," loosely translated as "mind, heart, spirit." It's about aligning your energy; when you want to achieve something and have a strong desire, "Kokoro" asks: "What qualities belong to someone who would want that?" In other words, who are you (what qualities of being do you radiate) if that is what you want to do or have?

2.      What first step can you take today or tomorrow to set the movement towards that result in motion?

Take that step, explore confidently, and let go of the specific, preconceived outcome you have in mind. Be curious about what your journey will bring you.

The effect of these two questions can initially be a form of disappointment; you do not get the clear and direct answer you had in mind. Upon closer inspection, you may see the invitation to seek your answer within yourself. Perhaps it’s not really an "answer," but rather the beginning of your own process in the form of an embodied experience to grow further and discover.

So, returning to the reader's question, which might also apply to you:

·         Who are you being asked to become regarding your desire, and your gratitude that you are here, and your trust that whatever happens is okay? Who are you if you can experience these qualities or perspectives simultaneously? Are you perhaps "relaxed," "loving," "unattached," or something else?

·         What first step can you take to initiate or further shape that process?

I am curious to see what these questions will bring you, and I wish you much joy in your discoveries!